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if we had to make one generalization

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about why relationships fail it would be

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this because people get defensive

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defensiveness is behind a predominant

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share of the failure of all

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relationships

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the difficulty is that there is no way

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of escaping the sort of situations that

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can trigger defensiveness however sweet

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and fascinating two people might

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initially be it is just inescapable that

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they will also with time and the birth

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of true intimacy stumble upon aspects of

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one another's characters that can't help

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but generate difficulties and a degree

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of dismay

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partner could be determined to be only

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kind but the way that they shell an egg

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leave the bathroom deal with their

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suitcase on returning from a trip handle

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the household keys or tell an anecdote

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will gradually unleash powerful degrees

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of frustration or puzzlement in those

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who have to share their lives

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a problem starts when we as partners

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venture to air our responses our

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partners might get very angry or they

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might get very sad but the underlying

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message from them to us will be the same

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being found in some way imperfect is

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entirely unacceptable and deeply

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contrary to the spirit of true love love

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me for who I am is the Fateful rallying

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Cry of all lovers headed for

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difficulties

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because it is in reality a monstrously

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unfair demand to be asked to be loved

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just as we are given our panoply of

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inevitable faults compulsions and

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immaturities with a modicum of

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self-awareness and honesty we should

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only ever expect to be loved for who we

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hope to be for who we are at our best

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moments for the good that is in us in a

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latent but not yet realized state

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Spirit of true love should require that

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whenever there is feedback we turn

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gratefully to our partner and ask for

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more that we continuously search to

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access a better version of ourselves

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that we see love as a sort of classroom

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in which our lover can teach us one or

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two things about who we should become

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rather than a burrow in which our

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existing errors can be endorsed and

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ratified

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a less defended attitude isn't a random

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gift we begin to become less defensive

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when we take on board some of the

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following ideas

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behind defensiveness there is always a

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dread of being humiliated and abandoned

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but a decent partner if we let them know

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that we're afraid will be moved by our

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tender desperation and Hasty fear and

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they should help us to see that what

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there is really to be afraid of now is

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not criticism but an inability to accept

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its gentle manifestations with Grace

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if love really required an absence of

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even the most minor flaws no one could

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possibly qualify for a relationship yet

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in reality we are love-worthy not

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because we're perfect but because none

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of us ever can be

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in the defensive person's mind a tiny

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comment is like the small rockfall that

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announces an avalash there seems no way

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to trust that it really is just about

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how long pasta should be cooked or the

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right way to make a bed the underlying

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intention seems always to be to inflict

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a devastating wound on us and speed the

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entire relationship to a close the

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defensive person has not had a chance to

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experience the robustness of love how

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it's wholly possible to call someone the

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worst names in the dictionary and then

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10 minutes later to want to lie softly

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in their arms tenderness having been

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renewed and reinvigorated by an

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opportunity to purge a given frustration

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they be ruptures and then repair true

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love is resilient it's not destroyed by

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a detail but only ever by the way that a

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detail can't be acknowledged and

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processed

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defensiveness can be outgrown when

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searching for a partner we need to look

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out for someone who can join us in the

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heroic quest to recognize and overcome

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defensiveness

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we might even raise this ambition on an

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early date we might say I'd like one day

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to move to the country learn Spanish and

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maybe with a Lover's help get over my

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defensiveness that's what we might

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declare by way of introduction to our

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goals

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we could frame the attempt to listen to

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criticism without Fury or hurt as

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belonging to one of life's mightiest

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challenges eventually with a lot of

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effort we could hope to reach a stage

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when a partner could point out with tact

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and Humanity that we have bad breaths or

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that our shoes don't match our top and

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rather than reacting as we've grown up

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to do we could simply turn to them smile

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benignly and say what flawed human

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beings should always respond with when

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another member of the species deigns to

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help them to grow into a better version

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of themselves

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thank you